Without this month's break, i guess i wouldn't realise how much i've grown and how much things change and happened. A week or so of thinking, not sleeping well, overthinking, not doing anything, just slacking, not eating well, not talking much.. Yesterday just happen to browse through my photos, and just realised how much close friends i had before.
One thing i can't understand or haven't find the answer, is it really like this? Friends for me are like months' thing. Every few months or maybe a year or so of close-ness, i have to change? I know i can't really define friends and i know every single friendship is special and nothing is the same. But come to think of it, i think so lo.
Yes some friends still in contact, not much, I'm okay with that. But some friends really turned into strangers and stuff, i mean. It's hard to explain in words, for me. Just don't get it. And i think i still understand that i can't have a group of friends that i know from different place to be close with together at a same time. I mean i have to understand right?
Looking back for me is like, sometimes make me smile, think of all the things that happened, and some photos are like, oh did that really happened. Just by looking at myself in the photos, i have really changed much. And i really didn't realise much until i've seen the photos.
It's just months that i so busy at work, and this 2 or 3 weeks spending much time with my family, made me realise that i didn't really spend much time with them previously, like my dinner is always out, coming back they already slept, waking up they already left for work and stuff.
Next week back to work and stuff. I guess i will really move on and work hard. At least to myself, i will try my best to keep everything steady and slowly moving and i hope i can really cope.
I've spent so much time thinking about my future and ended up with so many days of insomnia, not talking much with my friends, mood really stone-d and stuff, there's still no definite answer, but at least i know my direction after april next year, not something very practical, not something i dare to tell my parents about, not something i think it's really what i want (i know i change my thinking like really fast?), BUT STILL, i already gave it a thought for like so many days i think i should really stop thinking because i overthink and stuff (Blahh). Time for some actions done and some laughter and memories.
Dear, i know i have no rights to call you that anymore or whatever stuff, but i really thought about you these few days, the things that happened between us throughout this many years, whether or not we are together, i want to talk to you, i want to go find you, but. still, but. i really don't know whether i should do that now or later, i don't wish to affect you or neither your studies. There's always a power inside me that say go, it's okay. it will be fine. But there's also another one that says, no, it's going to affect you badly and both of us will regret. I know i will be loss of words when i see you, but really, i want to give it a try. But..
In dilemma again!